Should the Way You Give Feedback Look a Little More Like Sex and the City?

By: Poojani Ruwanpura

Good friends tend to do something many managers struggle with: say the thing before it becomes a whole thing. They share what they’ve noticed, give us a chance to understand and adjust, and keep one imperfect moment from becoming a larger story about who we are.

Maybe don’t model the way you give feedback after Samantha – or Charlotte, for that matter. But there’s something to be said for the way Manhattan’s most famous foursome tell each other when they’ve missed the mark.

What can the women of Sex and the City teach us about giving feedback?

Quite a lot, surprisingly. 

Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha spend much of the show doing what good friends have always done: listening to each other’s problems and occasionally pointing out that the problem might, in fact, be sitting across the table.

They disagree. They question each other’s choices. They say things that are irritating because they are also, inconveniently, true.

And then they order another round.

It’s one of the reasons the show has remained a favourite of mine. Beneath the Manolos, Cosmopolitans, and some highly questionable romantic decisions is a friendship built on a surprisingly high tolerance for uncomfortable honesty.

The women are hardly a masterclass in perfect delivery. But what they do remarkably well is keep an observation from sitting around long enough to acquire a life of its own. They raise it directly, talk it through, and keep it moving.

For leaders, there’s something worth borrowing in that rhythm. 

What happens when feedback sits for too long?

Waiting changes the weight of the conversation.

An observation begins as a moment. With time, repetition, and a little interpretation, it can start to feel like a pattern. And eventually, what started as something I noticed begins to feel more like something this person does, or worse, something this person is.

And feedback appears to sit around quite a bit. McKinsey’s 2026 HR Monitor found that more than half of employees receive feedback only once a year or not at all.

Which is a problem, because a performance review should reflect conversations already had, not start them. If feedback matters enough to shape an evaluation, it should come early enough to give someone a meaningful opportunity to improve.

And while workplace feedback may never feel quite like brunch with Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha, it shouldn’t feel like Berger’s Post-it breakup, either.

Does “more like brunch” mean treating feedback like a conversation between friends?

Only to a point. 

Carrie and her friends are peers. When what you say can affect someone’s compensation, promotion, reputation, or career, there is far more responsibility tied to the accuracy and weight of your words. 

That starts with being objective. Describe what you observed and the impact it had. The further feedback drifts into assumptions about intent or character, the less fair and useful it becomes.

And yet, when friends say the thing we’d rather they didn’t, there’s usually an important subtext: this person is on my side. The same should be true when we receive feedback at work.

So what can leaders do to give effective feedback?

• Say what you mean. Mr. Big may have made an art form of leaving Carrie to connect the dots, but employees shouldn’t have to decode feedback. Being clear is, in fact, kind. 
• Keep it two-way. Make room for questions and context, then work together on what should be different going forward
• Remember there’s a relationship after the conversation. Follow up. Notice progress. Keep investing in the person. One difficult conversation should be part of someone’s development, not the final word on it.

Leaders don’t need to become their employees’ best friends. But they do need to say enough, soon enough, and clearly enough to give people a genuine chance to understand, adjust, and grow.

At MacPhie, we help leaders strengthen the skills that make meaningful feedback part of everyday leadership. To learn more, explore our Leadership Development services.